Too Much...

From TSade

Too much, just too much.
Almost into my second decade and there was nothing.
No feeling, no friends, nothing.
Just an empty shell of a person
Oozing through life without a reason.
Without a love, without... anything.

Even on that final day, when it got too much.
Not a single person even said hello
Or acknowledged I was there.
A school full of people,
Full of life and cheer and everything I couldn't feel,
And me, a shadow of a broken soul.

Night came and I returned to my hole,
A basement room away from the others.
My future was slashed short and I cried.
No one came,
No one listened.
No one cared anymore.

Sometimes I cried louder,
Hoping someone would respond.
But, the TV was too loud,
The hum of computers too discordant.
And no one came, questioned or investigated.
They didn't care anymore.

Then it was time, there simply was nothing left.
Naked, I knelt down on the carpet,
Ignoring the smell of cat messes and must,
A knife pressed against my wrist.
It hurt, just that point,
A wooden handle of a steak knife.

Serrated edges scare me, they always have,
But the darkness, that terrible darkness,
That strangled me scared me even more.
Taking a deep breath, I positioned the blade.
Ready for that last slash, from wrist the elbow.
I know how to do it right.

It is always that point,
When the knife is against your veins,
When there is nothing left
That nothing happens,
Nothing at all.
No miracles, no hope, no freedom.

She came when I wasn't looking,
My eyes closed against the deep breath
Ready to draw.
A woman I could not touch
A spirit that I could not see.
And still I stopped, point just barely cutting.

She spoke in a whisper I could not hear,
In a voice that I never will.
She said only one thing,
"I love you."
Too much love, too much hope.
It just wasn't fair, why did she wait?

I cried, more deeply than I ever felt.
The hard sobbing that tore at my ribs,
Leaving me gasping for breath.
I could not see her, but she was there.
I could not smell her, but I knew she was there.
There was something left, something I missed.

But, I couldn't see her.
An invisible force,
Lost in the figments of my mind,
A phantom entity who didn't exist
But stopped my blade with three words.
A blade dropping to the floor.

It sat there, on dark blue carpet,
A drop of blood soaking into the fibers,
Stark reminder that while I saw nothing
But she was still there.
My shadow, my friend, my lover,
My goddess.

t'Sade
2005-04-26